Goldfish

Crab

I mean, if I had to be honest, I think I've done enough myself already.

Look, I'm not saying that taking drugs will make you see a giant crab on the couch, but I'm saying you'll never have a chance to ask him what he uses to keep his mustache so neat and orderly if you dont do drugs. 

Diagnosis

Actually...Wait...Well, I was wrong.  It could also be super cancer.

Sorry for the lack of an update yesterday, I've not been feeling too well, hence today's theme. Fun fact, if you ever want to scare the shit out of yourself, look up symptoms like fatigue and soreness on WebMD.

Snow

Hey don't give me that look! You said you wanted to be closer to nature. And like hell the wolves that have been following us for the past two miles are beating me to it.

It was supposed to only snow an inch or so today.  There is currently 4 inches outside.  This is why I lump meteorology and astrology under the same discipline.

Eavesdropping 1

No really Jenna, he blew up when I told him I was cheating on him, I mean, I was just trying to do the right thing!

I should have added a third graph representing how sympathetic the listener is, but it would have just been a straight line (which isn't funny).  What would be funny is a fourth graph depicting the derivative of graph three, which would accurately describe my belief the listener was, in fact, a moron.

Tyger Tyger

"Did he who made the Lamb make thee?"  No, that was my chef, and it's turkey.

For those not getting today's sketch, it is in reference to this poem by William Blake.  HIGH CLASS HUMOR ALL UP IN HERE.

Bears

Scotch on the rocks.  No I don't want any fucking honey, what are you, retarded?

My girlfriend gave me a stuffed bear for Valentine's Day, and I amused myself to no end by making him speak like a drunken 45-year old who's given up on his dreams.

Valentine

It was the cat's idea, actually.  I just ran with it.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone, sorry this is late.  I wasn't pleased with the original one I had planned so I did a new one today after classes were out.  Now go and be with the people who make you happy.

Names

Look, babe, the moon's only so big.  Besides you look more like a Sarah.

Blargllgl grrblllgrg.  That's what I'd sound like if I was too tired to think of some else funny to say here today, which I am.

Misunderstanding

Your dog is so cute! Just precious!  Also I may have fed him chocolate while I was scoping out the place last week.  

Our protagonist this week has foregone his usual red shirt in favor of a blue one.  In the world of things I should spend more time on it's because it smells like Norsemen, spiders, bears, squares, procrastination, cooling sensations, lions, and breakfast cereal.

In reality, it's because I didn't think a blue gas can would read as well as a red one.

Dinosaur Scrabble

Roar  (rôr, rr):  Noun.  Of or pertaining to apples, ants, aardvarks, asbestos, antelope, arms, bees, babies, blankets, bushes, bots, breaks, cats, cuddles, carnivores...

This sketch is not scientifically accurate, as everyone knows Scrabble wasn't invented until the late Cretaceous period and Apatosaurus lived during the Jurassic. 

Soul-Searching

Also, I'm keeping the boxed set of Planet Earth so I keep up with the "soul-searching" during the divorce without hiking for five hours.

I always love people who's advice for any problem is "search your soul, only you know what's right for you."....C'mon man, I just want to know where you want to go for fucking drinks tonight.

Titles

"Next thing they'll tell me is that "Hot Young Wood" isn't about a bunch of saplings on fire."

I watch all my porn for free on the internet, but I've always wondered if serially numbered porn movies have a coherent story line, and if I really liked episodes 4 5 and 6, if that 1, 2, and 3 would just fall short of expectations.

Things I Am Sure Have Never Been Drawn 1

I'm sorry babe, the toast is not usually this light.  This never happens to me.

I was out late partying for the super bowl, and in lieu of a comic today I instead reached into my "random" drawing folder and picked this gem out.

Nice Weather

Maybe I'll even drive the long way to the store when I go to get some Oreos.

This is a (unfortunately) true story.

Mad Libs

Mad Libs: Inevitable for all species.

Originally this comic had "Nuts" written in all the blank spaces. Then I realized that joke was stupid.  This one is much more sophisticated. I feel the inherit comedy of expecting our squirrel protagonists to write something squirrel-related in all the blanks and then dashing that hope on the jagged, unforgiving rocks of humor is a nice juxtaposition. And even if that subtle jocularity escapes the common man, he can still laugh because "Penis" is a funny word.

On a slightly related note, sometimes I draw things in MSPaint that aren't pictures of squirrels and a man with a red shirt. This was done in about 10 minutes and inspired by the model I did a drypoint etching of in my printmaking class. Surprisingly, when working with the pencil tool, the two mediums have very similar methods of image creation. Perhaps my increasing skill with one shall improve the other...

Or maybe I'll just draw another joke about penises.

Heh, Penis.

Body Wash

Like a blowjob from the Wampa ice creature.